


Haven

by imaginaryfriendashkun



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide, lgbt awareness, s2e8 spoilers, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 06:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14514861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginaryfriendashkun/pseuds/imaginaryfriendashkun
Summary: A stranger bad mouths Magnus' looks at the bar and Alec decides to be his knight in shining armor. Alec talks to Magnus and decides to find out what's really bothering Magnus after the incident and it leads to something unexpected.NOTE: Please don't read if you can't handle topics about suicide and depression. This is for suicide and depression awareness.Please, please reach out for help if you are feeling suicidal and lonely.https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/If you think someone close to you is suicidal and are confused on how to help themhttps://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm





	Haven

**Author's Note:**

> Suicide and depression - a war. It doesn't have to be life or death situation. Don't lose yourself in the process.
> 
> Please reach out to someone, anyone.  
> https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
> 
> If you want to understand more about someone who is feeling suicidal  
> https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm
> 
> LGBT abuse is a big NO NO! LGBT people are humans, if you can't understand or accept or support them, at least stay away from them instead of resorting to bullying and unnecessary words to hurt their feelings.  
> https://lgbt.foundation/
> 
> "If you can't die today, don't, if you can't tomorrow, don't, wait till a time comes because there will be a good day and you will be glad you haven't died." - Oh Ri Jin to Ahn Yo Sub (Cha Do Yun) from Kill Me Heal Me Series  
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kill_Me,_Heal_Me
> 
> [A wonderful Korean drama about a person with Multiple Personality Disorder learning to accept that he is not a monster, the actors are amazing, the show creates awareness about child abuse as well]
> 
> Appreciation for the OST (lyrics, singers, music) from Kill Me Heal Me and the wonderful actors -  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gg0P9yd0noE  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I7LeFyNmJxc

"Faggot. Disgusting. Looks like a girl. Homo."

"What did you just call my boyfriend?"

The man turns and looks at Alec with narrow eyes. The man is much shorter and not as well built as Alec but he doesn't back down. 

In fact, his words get much worse. "What I just said a few seconds back is not wrong, is it? He doesn't have a girl friend, he has a big bad boy friend who has to stand up for him because he is a girl with his nail polish, glitter and pink streaks, isn't-"

Alec ignores the soft hand on his shoulder that is trying to hold him back and the whisper of "Please don't, Alexander."

Before the man can finish his words, a punch to his face knocks him down. He gets back up, wipes the blood from his nose in a hurry. He is not deterred though and charges towards Alec with a pocket knife.

The next moment he finds himself on the ground for the second time with his hands twisted painfully behind him. He is caught off guard.

"If you have a problem with me, I don't give a rat's ass, I will not change for you and don't care what you think. However, if you try to hurt Alexander, I will make you wish for death."

The man bites back a scream as his arms are further twisted behind him slowly. He hastefully admits to himself that he was wrong in calling the man derogatory names, assuming that he was weak just because he looks feminine. This person is strong beneath all that girly exterior. But he is more ashamed that he just was defeated by two gay men.

He realizes that they - especially the taller one - are waiting for an apology but he will not give it to them even if he is tortured to death. 

Finally the pressure on his hands is released after what feels like a very long time. He is still on the ground, he doesn't dare get back up and he can hear what they are talking about.

"You shouldn't just let him off the hook like that, Magnus."

"Alexander. Darling, let us just leave it. He is not important. He doesn't matter. Look at me."

The taller one - named Alexander - doesn't want to back off but he does anyway just because Magnus asked him to.

Alec glares at the man who is down, links his arms through Magnus' arms and walks away, literally dragging Magnus away as if he doesn't want Magnus to be near someone like him.

Magnus turns to the man as he is being dragged away by his over protective boyfriend and smiles, "I am bisexual by the way. Are you seriously afraid of gay people or are you just stuck inside the closet? Maybe, you should just re-think your opinions and stick your head outside. It's better and brighter and not scary."

His voice fading away with each step they take in the opposite direction from where the man is still lying on the ground.

Magnus and Alec teleport back to Magnus' loft.

**********

To say that Magnus feels so happy is an understatement. He just wants to hug Alec tightly and never let go. But Alec is shy when it comes to public displays of affection and Magnus holds back with great difficulty.

He has dated a lot of people in the past, people from different species, people of different ages, different genders. None of them have ever stood up for Magnus before.

It's because they all knew that Magnus can take care of himself. Of course, Magnus can take care of himself, he is strong, he is the high Warlock of Brooklyn, he didn't become one just like that. He is not easily affected emotionally or physically, he can defend himself, he doesn't care about people's looks or thoughts when he dresses differently.

After all, he has lived for many centuries. He knows how to defend himself in all forms, from all kinds of situations and people. From all kinds of feelings. He can even protect himself from his own thoughts very well.

However, he still is a human and still has feelings. He slips at times. He is affected at times. His strength and confidence vanish at times. He will never show it out in the open, he is a master at hiding, he is a master at acting as if everything is fine, he has a strong mask, a strong facade. 

He doesn't like showing weakness to people and most people don't care if he is fine or not. Mostly because he is a warlock and people think that he is Satan's spawn out there to wreak havoc in their lives, that the world will be better off if there were no demons.

It's always better to feel lonely when not with people, he has met people who have only showed him loneliness despite him always being surrounded physically. Mentally, it has always been only his thoughts for company. He cannot make friends with humans because of their life spans. 

But sometimes even he wishes for someone to be there next to him, there are times when he does feel lonely, when he feels sad, when he wants support.

His friends Ragnor, Catarina have always given him that whenever they can meet up. But sometimes, very rare times, he still wishes for it from a special person, a person who will treasure him, a person whom he treasures with so much passion and want. A person who won't be crushed by his need, a person who will gladly reciprocate his feelings.

Nobody has cared much about Magnus' wishes, they have always asked a lot of things from Magnus but it was never the other way round, never Magnus receiving anything meaningful.

He has received a lot of materialistic things from Camille, from his previous lovers but as years flew by, Magnus realized the difference between materialistic things and meaningful heart-touching actions from people who actually gave a shit about him. 

People find it convenient just to use him for their requirements. They usually watch him from far away when he feels down and feel happy on their own without bothering about his worries. They don't have time for him but want him to make time for them and if he doesn't, they get angry.

This thing that just happened a few minutes back falls in the latter 'heart-touching' category. Of course Magnus is overwhelmed and overjoyed. He can't just not feel happy. It's from Alexander, that too.

He is shaken out of his thoughts when Alec waves his arms adorably in front of his face. Magnus realizes that he hasn't listened to anything that Alec had said in the last few seconds.

Alec's mouth is opening and closing like a fish. Alec then gently pulls Magnus towards the comfortable couch and they both sit down. 

Alec shakes his head and mutters, "Does it bother you?"

Magnus doesn't know how to respond. Is Alec talking about the useless vermin who had called Magnus a homo and other colorful words or is Alec assuming that Magnus is not happy being defended by Alec?

Magnus smiles a little despite himself. "Does what bother me?"

Alec shakes his head in exasperation. "You know what."

Magnus says, "Darling, despite me being a warlock and having a very good hold on magic, even if I do sound like I am boasting, I still can't read minds, Alexander dear."

Alec doesn't reply.

Magnus decides to help him out. "Are you talking about him calling me disgusting words or are you worried that I am offended by you defending me like a knight in shining armor or are you assuming that I am angry because you didn't stop even though I asked you to?"

"Or is it something else entirely?"

Alec wears a serious expression. "You know that you are beautiful the way you are, right? You don't have to change for me or anyone out there. You are you and I love you as you are. With all your glitter and everything. There's nothing disgusting about you. Scars or not, past or not, weirdness or not, you are amazing."

"You can talk to me about anything. You are not feeling well. Please don't act, please don't push me away thinking that I will leave you. Please don't act."

Magnus feels tears prick his eyes. 

This moment, he knows, finally, finally, he is not alone. He doesn't have to hold everything in by himself. He doesn't have to hold back.

"This doesn't bother me anymore, Alexander, honestly. I am happy you stood up for me."

"You are strong, doesn't mean that you have to put up with crap from useless people. You can take care of yourself, doesn't mean that I don't have to stand up for you. They have no right. Nobody does. Maybe you feel like you don't have to stand up for yourself but you deserve the best, you are the best. I hope you understand how sincere I am."

Alec hugs him tightly and places a gentle hand on his neck. His fingers are cold, sweaty and a little bit nervous, probably worried that he might say something to hurt Magnus without meaning to. Despite the coldness, Magnus feels warm. Magnus feels loved because Alec who doesn't normally bother with showing his affections outwardly, Alec who doesn't talk a lot, Alec who doesn't articulate much is trying his best for Magnus' sake. 

"What does bother you? Is there anything particular on your mind that you want to talk about?"

"Remember the time when I saved you from the hallucination? When you felt so guilty about killing Clary's mother that you were ready to jump from the rooftop and kill yourself?"

Alec nods, he doesn't flinch. He whispers, "Magic doesn't create fears, it just brings them out. And I had a wonderful person to help me through it."

"Did you ever wonder how I was able to help you out so easily? That I was not surprised, that I was not scared that you were feeling that way? That I was not hesitant about saying something wrong and making it worse?"

Alec doesn't say anything. He waits for Magnus to continue. Shadow-hunters are quick to act, but strangely Alec has always been a think before act kind of person, he is good with strategies and he is patient. He maybe awkward but he knows what he is doing. He is not a candidate for the head of Institute for nothing. 

"I have been there. I know what it feels like to hate myself. To give up. To be so lonely that I hurt myself, to be so lost, so empty, so sad, so hopeless that I thought ending my life will end my pain, my sadness, my isolation. That honestly, I will end up in a better place, at least better than where I was."

Alec shifts closer to Magnus on the couch. 

"Camille helped me once. The first step. But then it became disastrous. She pulled me from the bridge. But then our relationship became bad, she took advantage of my weakness, she thought she was helping but I was getting worse. But I am grateful to her that she pulled me back from the brink of death."

"Then I helped myself because I realized no one can help me better than myself, especially not Camille. She is not good at taking care of others. I can depend on others but I should want it, I should want to change, to get better, then maybe I can get others' help."

Alec's breath quickens a little. He can feel the rush of emotions from Magnus. Magnus is probably a little bit drunk. When Magnus is drunk, his control over his magic wavers when he is with someone he trusts. Alec knows Magnus is pouring his heart out to him but Alec can't feel but help happy because of the fact that Magnus loves and trusts him whole-heartedly. 

Magnus is afraid to pause, afraid that he might shut down if he takes a breath. This is a good scary feeling. He doesn't want to stop, at the same time, he wants to stop. But Alec is not going to use any of this against him. It has been a long time since he had spoken to anyone truthfully without having to put on a facade. So refreshing, so new, such a rushing euphoria.

"I wanted to never feel that way. I didn't want to feel helpless, so scared on my own that I just made myself grow stronger. So that I can be my own ally. So that I can be my own aide if need were to rise instead of me being my own enemy. It was not easy. Regretting getting up everyday in the morning, being alive. A heavy weight on your chest. Not being scared of death but being scared of life. So suffocating."

"Thinking that everyone is out to get you. That nobody likes you. That you are a burden. Having so much to say but having no one by your side. Physical scars, body pain, head aches, migraines, over thinking, second guessing. People are nearby, they are smiling, having fun, but I was on my own thinking that I will never be happy. Feeling that it's OK to hurt yourself because everyone does the same anyway. Giving up on yourself."

Alec puts a hand on Magnus' shoulder. The feelings are growing stronger. It is as if a dam has burst and he doesn't want Magnus to feel like this ever again. Alec rests his head on Magnus' shoulder and continues to listen. 

"Getting jealous of people who were together in groups, with their special other halves. Each person has at least one other person they can depend on, never feeling lonely, never wishing for death."

Now, Alec can see the rush of images as well. 

"Simple things, silly things - wishing to wake up beside someone in the morning, wishing to kiss someone, wanting to hug someone, wanting someone to appreciate me, wanting someone to see the real me, to see the bad in me and still bring out the good in me, to still love me, to accept me as I am without wanting to change me."

"Little things, small things - to cry in someone's arm, to go crazy and mad with someone, to want someone who wants you back, to be helped, to help someone, to sacrifice something important, to have someone who will sacrifice something for you, to be held, to be acknowledged, to belong somewhere, to make friends, to laugh, to show weakness in front of someone who will not judge you."

"To wait for someone at night, to have meaningless and meaningful talks, to share warmth, to read together, to fall asleep together, to do weird things, to eat together, to cook together, to talk about impossible things, to sing in off key tones, to dance without grace, to live together for many years, to die together, to love our children together, to feel happy, to feel alive, to feel something." 

"To take responsibility for my, no, our children. My parents thought of me as a monster, they would have been better off without me. They didn't want to accept me. They would have been happy with or without each other if I hadn't been born, I ruined it for them. It was like the whole world was against me. I don't want an other child to feel that way. There are children out there without family, without food, without happiness... if I can help at least adopt one such bundle of joy and innocence with you, Alec. I want to protect that little precious thing." 

"Goofy things - to pretend to fall so that you can catch me, to trip you so I can support you, to drink together, to dream about someone. To just care about someone and be treasured in return. To hold hands and walk. To show you off to people, to learn together, to overcome problems together."

"To look at the moon, to count stars, to wish on shooting stars, to adopt animal companions, to get drenched in the rain, to guess each other's passwords, to choose weird gifts for each other, to decorate a house together, to live together... to try a lot of firsts with each other. To feed each other, to be by each other's side when one is sick. To celebrate birthdays together. To go on dates."

"Stupid things, it was me against rest of the world always. For support, for physical, mental, emotional bonds, for meaningful things. Little dependencies, my heart yearned for it. At times when I am sick of being strong... I didn't want all these all the time, it would be an overwhelming blessing but I never experienced any of these at all. To get lost with each other and in each other."

"Idiotic things - to kiss someone, to have someone who will desire me as much as I desire them, to have passion, to gently run my fingers through someone's hair, to lie on someone's lap, to lean against someone, to be with someone through the good and the bad."

"To eat together, to try wearing each other's clothes even if they don't fit, to go on vacations together, to watch the sunset together, to go to movies, amusement parks, parks, just to go out together anywhere. To argue and fight over silly things like movies, to steal each other's food."

"To have someone see me trying hard, to have someone see through when I am trying to act as if I am fine. To have someone see through my facade, to see through my strength and weakness. To behave childishly and still get accepted. To just be good friends with someone. To have someone appreciate how I look. To go on long walks with someone. I am not in need of materialistic things. I don't want them to save me, I want them to be my side and support me and be proud of me as I save myself. To die one day before that person."

Alec wants to interrupt so badly but he knows better not to. 

"I am a Warlock who has lived for nearly four centuries. Yet I have never gone through any one of these. Humans can die, reincarnate and maybe live a better life or move onto the other world. They have a short lifespan, they have more choices. I am jealous that I don't have those. I have lived on for so many years, yet I am still wavering. I want to experience these at least once."

"I keep telling everyone that it's fine to be on their own, that it is easier, safer to be not with people, to not get hurt, to be not betrayed, to be not sad. I keep showing everyone how beautiful I am when I am on my own, but deep inside, I don't want to be alone. I don't want to die alone."

Alec is now beginning to see those images where Magnus is doing all these things with him. He doesn't know if it is Magnus or if it is him, it doesn't matter because he knows that both of them want this. 

"I got so sick of all my own thoughts and feelings. I reached out, got help. It was so hard, especially on my own, to let go of people and things that are familiar but will just eat away at your soul. But sometimes... sometimes... I still feel like I might slip back into that forever and that terrifies the crap out of me. That's what bothers me."

Magnus notices that he has been holding Alec's hand in a painfully tight grip. He starts to loosen his grip but Alec doesn't let go. Magnus smiles. Alec lifts his head from Magnus' shoulder. They turn on the couch to face each other. 

"The way you were feeling, I want you to know, was not your fault. You don't have to carry the weight on your shoulders. It doesn't matter how many years you have lived for, everyone has a different level of tolerance to pain and negative emotions. Don't ever put yourself down! Don't do that to yourself."

When did Alexander become so good at expressing his emotions? Magnus must have rubbed off on him in a good way. A pregnant pause.

Alec has a lot of serious things to say but the first thing that tumbles out of his mouth is, "Should I go torture and kill him?"

Magnus is so surprised, his eyes widen. Alec doesn't look like he is joking. 

He chuckles and shakes his head. "I am not going to slip back just because of something he said, I have heard worse, this was practically nothing, Alexander."

"I know, you are the strongest person I have ever known. Of course something like this alone won't do that to you, it will be a combination of things and I don't ever want it to reach that level. Ever. I am always here, by your side."

Magnus just nods. Magnus Bane is tongue tied. The warlock who usually teases others, who usually makes others trip on their own words is rendered speechless. In a good way, of course.

Alec blushes a little. "You look beautiful with your kohl rimmed eyes, with your nail polish, glitter, pink streaks, lip stick and the way you are dressed is just down right gorgeous."

It's Magnus' turn to blush. 

"It's fine if you are bisexual. It's not a sin. I should know the best. I hid from everyone that I was gay and I just want you to know that it's completely normal. Love is love no matter in what form it comes. No matter how you look, external appearances, society's rules, others' disdain, let it all go to hell."

"It took me a long time to realize that. You helped me realize that and I wasted a lot of time. I don't want you to go through the same dilemma."

Alec smiles. "Do you want to experience those only once? I mean... we have a lot of time ahead of us and we can do a lot more than your small list. We can do lots of things together. And I don't think we will ever... get sick of each other."

Magnus nods. They have already been experiencing some of those things together since they got together. They both know it. He doesn't have to say it out loud because Alexander will not misunderstand. Finally, after centuries of wait, Magnus' time is starting to move again.

He has already experienced some of these things with Alec, hasn't he?

 

He fondly remembers the time when Alec was dead drunk, it was so awkward yet endearing.

 

_/*_

 

_Magnus shakes his head in exasperation. "Alexander, darling, where do you think you are going? That's the women's restroom."_

 

_Magnus and Alec are standing in between the two restrooms. While Magnus is trying to drag Alec the other way towards the men's restroom, Alec is trying to drag him towards the other side._

 

_He hiccups, "You are lying, Magnus. Why are you trying to take me to the women's restroom? Are you cheating on me? But you wouldn't take me with you... do you want me to cheat on you? You are a bit possessive of me for that... are we meeting someone there?"_

 

_Magnus ends up using his magic in the end to teleport them directly into the restroom, the men's restroom._

 

_**********_

 

_They are currently seated near the bar. Magnus knows the waitress there very well._

 

_"Hey, Noelle, get me a beer and some juice for Alexander, doll."_

 

_Noelle nods at Magnus._

 

_Alexander pokes Magnus. "Why am I not allowed a drink?"_

 

_"You are drunk because of a single beer, you have zero tolerance for alcohol, trust me, you will thank me later for saving you the embarrassment, at least, I am trying to, am not succeeding very well."_

 

_Alec pouts. He then laughs out loud startling both Noelle and Magnus. "Her name is Noelle, pronounced as 'No L' and yet her name has two 'L's in them..."_

 

_Magnus resists the urge to smack himself. Why does Alec mostly have only lame jokes? He has mixed emotions, he just wants to kiss Alexander, at the same time, he just wants Alec to sober up even though this is so cute._

 

_Noelle doesn't say anything. If it were anyone else, they would probably be kissing the ground by now._

 

_**********_

 

_They are ready to leave the bar and call it a night, at least, Alec has finally decided to after much coercion from Magnus._

 

_Magnus asks Alec to wait as he has to settle the tab. He does it quickly and when he turns, Alec is missing. He smiles to himself and goes in search of Alexander._

 

_He hears laughter nearby and he guesses the source. He has to hold his laughter back. Alec is standing in such a way and is not allowing the elevator doors to close. He is staring - more like glaring - at the people inside as if expecting - more like asking - them to step out so he can get in and leave._

 

_Just a tall white dude creepily standing and staring at the people inside the elevator. And the people outside are laughing at his antics._

 

_Magnus rushes forward and pulls Alec back. "Are you so drunk that you have forgotten that you have a warlock boyfriend who can just teleport you anywhere in the world, darling?"_

 

_**********_

 

_There have been times when they have cuddled and slept together, times when Magnus has taken care of a sick yet stubborn Alec (who had wanted to work despite his fever), times when Alec would gently run his hands through Magnus' hair, times when Magnus would gently rub Alec's back, they have watched movies together huddled on a small couch, laid on each other's laps, cooked for each other, eaten together, overcome their respective personal problems together._

 

_*/_

 

Magnus laughs to himself and Alec can guess what Magnus might be thinking. He smiles, he is glad that he can make Magnus feel better, he is a bit embarrassed but that is not important, making Magnus feel happy is much more important. They both know that there are more good times ahead of them. And Magnus knows that with Alec, he will always have a safe haven.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Magnus and Alec - such a wonderful paring in the TV show.
> 
> Thank you for reading and please leave comments (good or bad). I want to constantly improve my writing skills and can't do that without suggestions from readers! Hope I captured their characters properly :)
> 
> Please DO NOT REPOST my fics without my permission. Kindly ask me before hand and link my AO3/Wattpad profile/story URL in each of your translation chapters/rec. 
> 
> I am on AO3 ([imaginaryfriendashkun](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imaginaryfriendashkun/pseuds/imaginaryfriendashkun)) and Wattpad ([alien/imaginaryfriendashkun](https://www.wattpad.com/user/alienfriendashkun)) and Youtube ([Ash Kun](https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEWO5kWpuGFJzdSV0LTLGKg?view_as=subscriber))and not on any other platform
> 
> Please help me report them if you find my fics somewhere else
> 
> Have a nice day!


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